Friday, March 20, 2009

Driving in NJ

From Sarah, of If I Could Do Something Else I Would
Seriously, there are only two things needed to drive
effectively in NJ: A horn and a middle finger.
Everything else is superfluous, including knowing where you
are going.
For those of you who live in Jersey or have lived there,
these things may come as no surprise. For those who
haven't travelled there before
Beware, Be Prepared and Be Afraid.... Be Very Afraid.

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is
Nork - rhymes with Fork, not New-ark. Also, Trenton is not
pronounced Tren-ton, it is Tren-tin.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5 AM to NOON. The evening
rush hour is from NOON to 7 PM. Friday's rush hour
starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph.
On the parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered "Sissy." (Just ask the Governor of NJ)

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey
has its own version of traffic rules. For example,
cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way
stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second;
However, in Monmouth and Burlington counties, SUV-driving,
cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
I like
that one!

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear
ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. (I have witnessed this one,
minus the shooting.)

6. Never honk at anyone. EVER ! Seriously. It's
another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of
Jersey. Detour barrels are moved around for your
entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to
make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks,
dogs, cats, barrels, cones, Celebes, rubber-neckers, shredded
tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the
Homeless feeding on any of these items.

9. MapQuest does NOT work here -- none of the roads are
where they say they are or go where they say they do and all
the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes are moved each night once again
to make your ride more exciting.

10.. If someone actually has their Turn Signal ON, wave them
to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been
"accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a
55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will
be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the
flip, you'll be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday
afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for
Friday appointments, and right after church on Sunday for
anything on Monday morning.

Lastly, there is one driving rule that I would like today,
as witnessed this morning. The first day of spring. There
were snow flurries in the sky. The road was just barely
wet. Drive as though there is 47 inches of snow on
the ground.


Aubree said...

This is too funny --- no mention that when New Jersian's find a name they like, they use it as many times as possible. For example: Moorestown and Morristown. Try telling people those are two different places!!

Sarah said...

Ha ha...and dont forget about the Belmars!
MK..that's great...and I love the artwork!

John Deere Mom said...

OMG that's hysterical. I've never been to NJ and think I would be too nervous to drive there now! :)

Captain Dumbass said...

That sounds frightfully familiar.

Bee said...

And that's why I will never go to NJ. Very funny! :o)